When Life Doesn't Go the Way You Prayed: Coping With Grief, Fear, and Uncertainty as a Mom
Sometimes life doesn't go the way we prayed.
Susanne* was down on her knees, "Please, Lord." As tears rolled down her cheek, she felt the ache of uncertainty and fear for today's doctor's appointment. She wanted reassurance. She wanted to know she could handle this.
As much as she never got a 100% guarantee of anything, she told me in counseling that she was no longer spinning in her mental chatter about "what could happen" or that she would never be able to cope with all of this.
As I talk to women each week in counseling about the good, the bad and the ugly of motherhood, I wanted to share some tips that have helped other moms in the same place you are at right now.
Moms Do Not Like Surprises
The pregnancy doesn't go as expected. The ultrasound shows something concerning. Your baby arrives too early. Your child receives a diagnosis you never saw coming. You find yourself sitting in a hospital room instead of at home doing ordinary mom things.
Sometimes there is a miscarriage or stillbirth. Sometimes a baby or child dies after an illness. Sometimes the loss happens suddenly, and there was absolutely no time to prepare.
And sometimes you're living in that incredibly difficult space where you simply don't know what is going to happen next.
These are the hard places of motherhood that we don't talk about nearly enough.
As moms, we're used to fixing things. We schedule the appointments, research the options, ask the questions, make the lunches, comfort everyone else and figure out what needs to happen next.
But what happens when you can't fix the thing that matters most?
You Can Have Faith and Still Be Afraid
For Christian moms, there can sometimes be another layer to all of this. You may find yourself thinking, I should trust God more. Maybe people tell you to pray about it. Have faith. Give it to God. Trust His plan.
And yes, our faith can be an incredible source of strength during suffering. Prayer can give us a place to bring our fear, anger, confusion and grief.
But having faith doesn't mean you won't be afraid.
You can trust God and still cry in your car. You can pray and still have trouble sleeping. You can believe that God is with you and still desperately wish your circumstances were different. You can feel grateful for one thing and completely heartbroken about another.
Faith doesn't require us to pretend that we're okay when we're not.
Sometimes prayer during a difficult season isn't a beautiful, peaceful prayer. Sometimes it's simply, God, I don't know how I'm going to do this. Please help me get through today.
And the beautiful thing about our Christian faith is that even if there is no immediate response, we believe God never leaves us. Especially when things are messy.
Grief Can Begin Before Someone Dies
We often think grief begins after a death, but that's not always true.
There is something called anticipatory grief. It can happen when we know—or fear—that a significant loss may be coming.
A mom may experience it after learning that her unborn baby has a serious medical condition. She may experience it when her child is diagnosed with cancer or another chronic or life-threatening illness.
You may grieve the childhood you imagined for your child. You may grieve your family's old normal. You may grieve the carefree pregnancy you thought you were going to have. And then there is the uncertainty.
What will the next test show?
Will my baby be okay?
What if the treatment doesn't work?
How am I supposed to take care of my other children while we're going through this?
How do I keep working?
How do I hold everything together?
Living with uncertainty is exhausting because your mind is constantly trying to prepare you for what might happen next. That's where some of the tools I use in counseling—especially CBT and mindfulness—can be helpful. Not because we're going to make the hard thing disappear. But because you deserve some support while you're carrying it.
CBT: When Your Mind Keeps Going to the Worst-Case Scenario
CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, teaches us to pay attention to our automatic thoughts.
And when something frightening is happening to someone we love, those thoughts can get pretty loud.
What if something terrible happens?
What if the doctors missed something?
What if I made the wrong decision?
What if this is somehow my fault?
How will I survive if... ?
Our brains don't particularly like uncertainty. When we don't have an answer, an anxious brain often tries to fill in the blank—and it tends to fill it with the worst possible outcome. One simple CBT question I often encourage people to ask is: What do I actually know right now, and what is my fear predicting? Those are two different things. Maybe what you know is that you're waiting for test results on Friday. Your fear, however, has already taken you through the next six months. CBT doesn't mean telling yourself, Everything is going to be fine. Because sometimes we don't know that.
Instead, we can practice more balanced thinking:
I don't know what the test will show yet.
I'm scared, and I can handle the information when I receive it.
I am making the best decisions I can with the information I have.
I don't have to solve tomorrow today.
That last one is especially important.
You don't have to solve tomorrow today.
Mindfulness: Come Back to This Moment
This is also where mindfulness can become incredibly valuable. Mindfulness isn't pretending everything is peaceful. And it isn't about making your grief disappear. Sometimes mindfulness simply helps us stay present with something incredibly painful without also carrying every possible version of tomorrow. Come back to right now.
Ask yourself:
What am I noticing?
What am I feeling?
What is happening in my body?
Maybe your shoulders are tight. Your stomach hurts. You're holding your breath. Your heart is racing.
Then ask:
What do I need right now?
Maybe you need to take ten slow breaths.
Maybe you need to step outside.
Maybe you need a shower, a meal, a walk, some sleep or a few minutes near the water.
Maybe you need to call someone and say, I'm having a really hard day.
Maybe you need to pray.
Or maybe you just need to cry.
The goal isn't always to change how you feel. Sometimes the goal is simply to notice what you're carrying.
When the Loss Has Already Happened
For moms who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss or the death of a child, there isn't a timetable for when you should be "better." Other people's lives may return to normal long before yours does.
People may stop asking about your baby or your child because they don't know what to say. Friends may unintentionally say something hurtful. Certain dates, places, songs, holidays or milestones can bring the grief rushing back when you weren't expecting it. You may even have moments when you're laughing or enjoying yourself—and then feel guilty because you were happy.
Grief can hold more than one emotion at the same time. There is a beautiful poem by an Angel mom about the amber stand sign &. I can feel THIS & THAT.
You can laugh and still miss your child.
You can experience joy and still carry sadness.
You can be grateful and still wish desperately that your story were different.
There is room for all of it.
You Don't Have to Hold Everything Together Here
If you're the mom everyone depends on, you may spend most of your days holding it together. You answer everyone's questions. You comfort your children. You update family members. You talk with doctors. You make decisions. You keep working. You keep the household moving. And people keep asking, "How is everyone doing?"
But sometimes nobody asks:
How are you doing?
That's one of the reasons counseling can be so valuable during grief, medical uncertainty and frightening seasons of motherhood. Counseling can be the place where you don't have to protect anyone else. You can unload it all. The fear. The anger. The guilt. The questions about God. The thoughts you don't want to say out loud. The exhaustion. The resentment. The sadness. The worry about your other children. The frustration with your spouse. The fear of what comes next.
You don't have to organize it first. You don't have to make it sound reasonable. And you definitely don't have to come into counseling pretending you're doing better than you are.
Sometimes finding tranquility doesn't mean that nothing hard is happening.
Sometimes tranquility means finding moments of peace while walking through something incredibly hard.
If you're a mom coping with grief, pregnancy complications, the illness or medical needs of your child, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant or child loss, or simply the overwhelming fear of not knowing what comes next, counseling can give you a safe place to put some of that weight down.
You spend so much time carrying everyone else.
There can be a place where someone helps carry you, too.
Kathryn D. Gardner, LMHC, LCPC, PMH-C, CHC, BTC
Licensed Therapist in IL and FL
Certified Health Coach
Blue Therapy Certified
Mom and Wife
Christian Catholic
New Tampa, FL
About Kathryn Gardner
Kathryn Gardner is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Perinatal Mental Health professional, Certified Health Coach, and a Blue Therapy Certified clinician serving women in Tampa, New Tampa, Wesley Chapel, and throughout Florida via Telehealth. She specializes in helping women navigate anxiety, as well as grief, during pregnancy, motherhood, perimenopause and menopause using a holistic, evidence-based, and personalized approach that integrates Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness, Positive Psychology, wellness, Blue Therapy, and Christian faith.
Find Your Tranquility shares information, not to replace medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please speak with your provider to learn more about your health and wellness.
*Names are always changed and no likeness to any current or former counseling client can be assumed.
Blog posts may utilize openAI tools (2026).
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