Why Am I So Negative? Understanding Perimenopause, Irritability, and Your Inner Critic
You're not becoming a negative person.
You're navigating a season that can make negative thinking
much louder than it used to be.
"I don't like the person I've become."
It's one of the most honest—and heartbreaking—things women tell me during perimenopause (women ages 35 - 55).
Not because they've suddenly become unkind or uncaring.
But because they've noticed a shift.
The woman who used to be optimistic now expects the worst.
The patient mom becomes easily irritated.
The supportive wife notices every habit her husband has that drives her crazy.
The confident professional questions whether she's doing enough.
She compares herself to other women and somehow always comes up short.
She worries about her children, her aging parents, her marriage, her finances, and her future.
Then she feels guilty for being so negative.
If this sounds familiar, I want you to know something important:
You're not becoming a negative person. You're navigating a season that can make negative thinking much louder than it used to be.
The good news is that you don't have to stay stuck there.
Why Does Perimenopause Make Negative Thinking More Common?
Perimenopause isn't just about changing hormones. It's also a season of tremendous life demands.
Many women are balancing careers, raising teenagers or young adults, caring for aging parents, supporting spouses, managing households, and trying to maintain their own health.
At the same time, fluctuating estrogen and progesterone can affect the brain systems involved in mood, emotional regulation, stress, and resilience.
When your nervous system is already working harder, your brain naturally becomes more alert to potential problems.
In my journal, I wrote "I want to see the goodness." I noticed that day after day, I kept asking others to change, I had a harsh inner dialogue towards myself and I was only focusing on all of the problems.
Psychologists call this a negativity bias—our tendency to notice what's wrong before we notice what's going well.
During perimenopause, that bias can feel stronger than ever.
When Your Inner Critic Takes Over
Negative thinking doesn't always sound dramatic. Sometimes it sounds surprisingly familiar.
"I'm failing as a mom."
"I've gained weight. I don't even recognize myself."
"My husband never helps enough."
"Everyone else has it together except me."
"I'm not as good at my job as I used to be."
"Something bad is going to happen to my kids."
These thoughts feel convincing because they're fueled by emotion.
But feelings are not always facts.
One of the first steps toward emotional wellness is learning to notice the conversation happening inside your own mind. Read my blog post on Perimenopause and Anxiety LINK
Mindfulness: Notice Without Judging
Before you can change a thought, you have to notice it. That's where mindfulness becomes so powerful.
Mindfulness simply means paying attention to your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without immediately reacting to them.
I tell women in counseling sessions to PAUSE, soften their shoulders and pay attention to their current emotions, current evaluation of what is happening and recognize what their body might need. If I'm tired and hungry, I'm not processing anything going on with a rational mind - time to eat and seek out silence!
The next time you notice yourself becoming irritated or discouraged, pause for just a moment and ask yourself:
- What am I thinking right now?
- What emotion am I feeling?
- Where do I notice that feeling in my body?
- Am I reacting to what is happening—or to the story I'm telling myself about what is happening?
You don't have to judge yourself for having negative thoughts.
Simply becoming aware of them creates space to respond differently.
Change the Story with Cognitive Appraisal
One of the most effective tools I teach in counseling is cognitive appraisal, a core skill in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
Instead of automatically believing every thought, we learn to examine it.
Imagine you've had a stressful day.
Your husband forgets to take out the trash.
Your first thought might be: "He never helps me."
Pause.
Ask yourself:
- Is "never" really true?
- Could there be another explanation?
- What evidence supports this thought?
- What evidence challenges it?
- What's a more balanced way to see this situation?
A healthier thought might sound like:
"I'm feeling overwhelmed today, and I need to ask for help instead of assuming he doesn't care."
Notice how the situation hasn't changed—but your emotional response has.
That's the power of cognitive appraisal. The same approach works with worries about your children, criticism of your body, and doubts about your career.
Practice Looking for What's Going Right
Our brains naturally scan for problems.
Positive Psychology teaches us to intentionally notice what's also going well.
At the end of each day, ask yourself:
- What went well today?
- What am I grateful for?
- What strength did I use today?
- What made me smile?
These questions don't ignore life's challenges.
They help retrain your brain to notice the whole picture—not just the difficult parts.
A few weeks ago, I was driving home from work and I slumped my shoulders, I forgot to return an important email from earlier in the day. It had totally escaped my memory (I have a blog post coming up about Brain Fog!!). I really had to use Thought Stoppage - Stop, you got a lot done today! The 5 most important things on my list got done and I want focus on those and see my accomplishments. Fact - I can email that person in the morning and explain that it had been a hectic day.
Over time, this Positive Psychology practice can shift your emotional outlook in meaningful ways.
Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Love
Imagine your closest friend saying:
"I'm not good enough."
Would you agree?
Of course not.
You would remind her of her strengths, encourage her, and point out everything she's overlooking. You deserve that same kindness.
Perimenopause is not the time to become your own harshest critic.
It's the time to become your own greatest cheerleader!
Remember Who God Says You Are
As a Christian, I've found that when my thoughts become anxious or self-critical, I need something stronger than my emotions to anchor me.
God's truth reminds us that our worth isn't measured by the number on the scale, our productivity at work, or whether we perfectly balance every responsibility.
Our value comes from being deeply loved by Him.
One verse that continually brings me back to that truth is Romans 12:2:
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
I love that phrase—the renewing of your mind.
That's exactly what we're doing when we practice mindfulness, challenge distorted thoughts, and replace them with truth.
We're learning to think differently.
And over time, different thoughts lead to different emotions and different choices.
You Can Become Yourself Again
If you've noticed yourself becoming more negative during perimenopause, don't assume this is simply who you are now.
This season may amplify self-doubt, worry, irritability, and criticism—but it doesn't have to define you.
By becoming more aware of your thoughts, practicing mindfulness, using cognitive appraisal to challenge unhelpful beliefs, caring for your body, and grounding yourself in God's truth, you can begin to quiet your inner critic.
The optimistic, hopeful woman you remember hasn't disappeared.
She's still there.
She may simply need a little more grace, a few new tools, and the reminder that this season is temporary.
With support, practice, and compassion, you can find your positive mental attitude again—and experience greater peace in your relationships, your work, and within yourself.
Kathryn D. Gardner, LMHC, LCPC, PMH-C, CHC, BTC
Licensed Therapist in IL and FL
Certified Health Coach
Blue Therapy Certified
Mom and Wife
Christian Catholic
New Tampa, FL
About Kathryn Gardner
Kathryn Gardner is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Certified Perinatal Mental Health professional, Certified Health Coach, and Blue Therapy Certified clinician serving women in Tampa, New Tampa, Wesley Chapel, and throughout Florida via Telehealth. She specializes in helping women navigate anxiety, as well as grief, during pregnancy, motherhood, perimenopause and menopause using a holistic, evidence-based, and personalized approach that integrates Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness, Positive Psychology, wellness, Blue Therapy, and Christian faith.
Find Your Tranquility shares information, not to replace medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please speak with your provider to learn more about your health and wellness.
Blog posts may utilize openAI tools (2026).
Stay In Touch
5 Ways to Relax This Summer: A Therapist & Mom’s Guide to Unwinding When Your Brain Won’t “Turn Off”
